Debate Prep
President Joe Biden and Former President Donald J. Trump, both presumptive nominees for their parties, have agreed to a series of two debates ahead of the 2024 presidential election. The first of these debates will take place in June on CNN. Not to be outdone by an incident during 2016 where CNN leaked debate questions to then candidate and murder enthusiast Hillary Clinton, the debate questions have been provided in advance to the Biden team. This presumably is to give Joe Biden, a great orator in his own rite who is known for his quick thinking wit and ability to ad lib gaff free, an advantage over Mr. Trump, who is dumb.
We have obtained a few of the questions that CNN debate moderator, Polly Fibbings, has prepared and provided to Biden.
Biden Question One:
Mr. President. You have been in office for almost four years now and during that time you have presided over a disastrous withdrawal of US troops in Afghanistan where you went against the advice of your generals and made several tactical mistakes resulting in the deaths of 13 American Soldiers, your economic policies have resulted in crippling inflation and forced hardships on the vast majority of everyday Americans, your lack of leadership on the world stage has led to wars in Ukraine and Israel which threaten to escalate into global conflict, and you have opened the borders of the US allowing untold numbers of illegal immigrants in who keep wages artificially low for law abiding citizens. Despite all this, you still have a zeal for life and enjoy yourself which begs the question: What’s your favorite flavor of ice cream? I hope it’s mint chocolate chip because that’s my favorite too!?!
Trump Question One:
Mr. Trump, can you give an exact dollar amount of funds you have personally received from Putin? Did he write you a check or was it in cash or bullion?
Biden Question Two:
Mr. President. You have been in public office for the past 52 years and have supported quite a few bad pieces of legislation during that time including the Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act of 1994, which resulted in the over prosecution and criminalization of Black men and also included an assault weapons ban which attempted to limit 2nd Amendment rights of law abiding citizens. All the while you have been on a lowly government salary. Despite this, today you are a multi-millionaire. This should serve as an inspiration to millions of young Americans who aspire to success. What financial advice can you give to help them achieve their dreams?
Trump Question Two:
What’s up with the smell? I mean, it’s like ketchup, piss, vomit, and old fryer oil mixed together?
Biden Question Three:
Mr. President, the border, which is totally under control, seems to be an issue for a growing number of Americans who are obviously xenophobic. However, you have been criticized for firing thousands of US Armed Service members for refusing to take the Covid-19 vaccine while allowing millions of illegals to cross the southern border with little to no knowledge of their vaccination status. You have also been criticized for your lack of attention to the border despite being on vigil at the border, namely Rehoboth Beach, where you vacation for a long weekend up to four days each week. What do you say to your critics despite spending so much of your time on the border?
Trump Question Three:
Why? Just why?
Mr. Trump, who is slumping in a poll conducted hastily by the MSNBC water cooler, does not stand a chance against the raconteur Biden. This week, Trump had the audacity to ask for a drug test for Biden before the debate insinuating that the president has to be on stimulants to perform. “Nothing could be further from the truth.” Said Polly Fibbings in an interview with the top rated NPR show Only Worldview Confirming Things Considered. “During our numerous debate dry runs and dress rehearsals I’ve conducted with Biden at CNN in preparation for the debate, I’ve only seen him being injected five or six times and I’m assured that these injections are just the new popular semaglutide weightless drugs to help the president stay healthy and svelte according to the team of doctors who constantly accompany the president.”